Chapter 3: Relationship Success

“It is extremely ironic that the more we care about what people think about us the less we care about people, and the less we care about what people think about us the more we begin to care for others.”

– Steven Covey

Relationships have become very complex and challenging for many reasons. A few reasons may be because we are becoming more aware and more conscious beings. Because of our increasing awareness of our own wants and needs, and other’s weaknesses or problems, the dynamics of relationships have changed and become more demanding, just as our professions have.

Communication is the key

Insecurity is one of the biggest robbers of life. I was a terribly insecure child – a late bloomer in many ways. My growth was stunted mentally, emotionally, and physically. I was raised by my mother with three siblings in a home that argued and fought all the time. It is very confusing for children who see fighting among a group who are supposed to love each other.

I was also affected by my father’s inability to express himself emotionally. I was never really shown how to deal with weakness, fault, failure, or challenge. I never knew what my natural abilities were and developed very little of my true human potential. My mother did the best she could, given the context of our life and the rebellious culture of the 70s and early 80s.

Do you know what it’s like growing up totally insecure, afraid, and literally scared of doing anything that might risk emotion or rejection? I tell you that being shy, timid, and insecure will rob from you life’s greatest joys and experiences. I missed all kinds of opportunities to learn, try, and do, but more significantly I missed many relationships and the depth of human emotions that one can experience.

I can tell you that insecurity does not come from growing up without material things like a nice house or nice clothes. It comes from confusion around your understanding of love, your inability to deal with your feelings and emotions, not knowing who you can trust and where you can turn when you’re confused and scared. I have a very strong message for fathers and mothers reading this book. Personally develop:

• Grow beyond your insecurities and become a good communicator of human emotions.

• Learn to express your feelings, fears, faults, and failures. This is not a sign a weakness, but a sign of strength and maturity.

• Learn to express yourself well for it will make the biggest difference in the confidence and future of your kids.

• Learn to admit your mistakes.

Forgiveness is a powerful healer of our hearts and souls. To forgive and to be forgiven is crucial to our mental health, and maybe even our salvation. I have done much personal work in this area – I had to or I probably would not have survived. One way to test or check if we have truly forgiven someone else regarding an issue is if that issue is ever brought up again, that it does not bother us. Sy Rogers, former President of Exodus International, explained it well in this analogy of a wound or sliver under the skin: ‘The thorn of offense’.

There was a survey done of hundreds of people on their death bed. Their time was almost up and they were asked if they could do it again, that if they could live life over, what they would do differently. The overwhelming response was that they would risk more emotionally. They would express their feelings better to those they loved.

In this day and age, it is without question that good communication skills are one key to personal success in the 21^st century. This is part of the reason why I am writing this book: Putting my thoughts down on paper has been a truly rewarding experience. I never really intended to become an author, but recognizing the value of expressing myself on paper has helped tremendously in articulating what’s going on in my head and heart. It is also why I have been a big advocate of and applied myself so diligently in an organization called Toastmasters.²⁴

Writing my thoughts on paper was one thing, but it was a whole new challenge to orally communicate to others. The ability to express yourself will be key to your personal success and becoming the most that you can be, which can be achieved through training and development. Nothing is beyond our ability through personal development and training. Mark Twain said:

“There is nothing training cannot do, nothing is above its reach. It can turn bad morals into good, it can destroy bad principles and create good ones, it can lift men to angelship.”

And the Dalai Lama said:

“No matter what activity or practice we are pursuing, there isn’t anything that isn’t made easier through constant familiarity and training. Through training we can change; we can transform ourselves.”

Clarifying the relationship’s values

Relationships are almost always claimed to be the most important thing in people’s lives when asked what’s important to them. The amazing thing to me is that almost nobody creates tangible plans for successful relationships. Few people set goals to be the best father or mother, wife or husband, and even fewer are clear as to what they would like their relationship to be.

Many feel that relationship planning is too mechanical, not spontaneous and natural. They feel that love should be easy and natural and that it should just happen all by itself, and it does for about the first 2-4 months until the unconditional expectations dissolve and our needs, wants, faults, and imperfections begin to surface. Then relationships take on a whole new challenge and growth: Clarity and effort is required. This means consciously deciding how you want your relationships to be, writing it all out, clarifying your values, educating your emotions, and raising your level of awareness about yourself and others.

I remember attending a Sunday service of a very large Pentecostal church during the Easter holidays. There was a very well-known theologian attending with his family and the pastor asked if he could share a few words with the congregation on this special Easter Sunday. This New Testament scholar began to talk about relationships and then quoted the verses from the epistle to the Philippians: “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.”²⁵ He went on to say that you can trace back every conceivable break down in relationships to one of these characteristics: Selfishness, vain conceit, or a lack of respect and understanding. They are at the root of our relationship problems and some simple growth and awareness can overcome them all.

I often used to listen to a couple of radio programs that dealt specifically with relationship problems. Two of which were two of the most popular radio show hosts, both with doctorates in the field of relationship psychology and had a listening audience of millions of North Americans. For two to three hours of the day, caller after caller phoned in with relationship problems and 90% of the problem could be solved with some clarity of their values and more understanding of the other. Selfishness is a major problem, as one of the hosts always commented, “Almost all relationship arguments are about me.” She says there is always the conscious and most often unconscious feeling, “What about me?”

A lack of clarity dominates most of the problems on the other radio program, and the following situation clearly demonstrates this.

On February 23, 2001, a lady, who we shall call Jane, called in concerned about some actions of her fiancé. Her fiancé was going to have a stag party before the wedding. At this party, there was going to be heavy drinking and local strippers, who were going to get down and dirty (lots of touching and naked bodies). Jane didn’t want her husband to be getting drunk and fondling naked strippers, who could be carrying who-knows-what kind of sexually-transmitted diseases, so she decided that she was not going to let him go.

His friends started giving her a hard time saying stuff like, “It’s no big deal. Don’t be a controlling wife,” and so on. She got very confused and called the local radio program wanting advice from the listening audience, and she actually asked, “How should I feel about these actions my fiancé is planning to do?” Jane wasn’t sure if it was okay for her fiancé to get drunk at a party with naked women who would be seducing him, where there would be the typical fondling and groping. That was shocking enough, but what was more shocking is the response from the radio host who said he didn’t see anything wrong with it.

This was discussed for a half-hour, and during this time many callers called in voicing their opinion, most of them agreeing with the announcer that it’s the fiancé’s last moment being single, or that he wasn’t marrying the stripper so don’t get all worked up about it, and so on. What surprised me is how many people could not see any problems that could stem from this attitude or action. Most could not foresee the problems that are almost certain to develop because of the violations of the key relationship principles and values of trust, respect, commitment, and understanding.

I am going to talk more about these four key principles that, if understood and applied, can transform, strengthen, grow, nurture, and build a truly healthy relationship to give us a real sense of love and security to help us grow into the men and women we can and should be. These principles apply whether the relationship is between a husband and wife, mother and daughter, employer and employee, or worker and coworker. They are the fundamental principles that, if you violate, are sure to cause major problems and more likely destroy the relationship altogether.

From our personal success, business, and relationship success to our emotional and mental health through to our salvation, one of the most fundamental things we can do is be clear on our values, especially in a society where we are bombarded daily with messages, beliefs, poor values, and behaviors. If you don’t make conscious effort and choose your goals and values, then the chances of your being sucked in to the general views of society are almost certain. You must think through what it is that you want for yourself, your family, and your country and put these goals and values in print and resolve to their achievement.

This was first and foremost the biggest problem with Jane: She was not clear on her values, or at least did not have values that strengthen and build character and relationships. This lack of clarity lead to her confusion as to how she ought to feel. It is also the same problem the announcer had, as well as many of the callers. I do not believe any of them to be bad people, they just did not have clear goals and values on building strong relationships, so they were driven to act and react according to their feelings instead of their choice of values. This story is a perfect example of why it is so very important for you to think through and consciously choose what you desire, your goals, your values, and who you desire to become, or you will not have the ability to overcome the subtle pressures of society at large.

I really love this analogy Anthony Robbins uses to illustrate the point of choosing. He calls it The Niagara Syndrome:

“Life is like a river for many people, they just jump in the river of life without ever deciding where they want to end up, so they quickly get caught up in the current: Current events, current challenges, and current fears. And then they come to the forks in the rivers, they don’t consciously decide which way to go, they just go with the flow of the river (the flow of the majority instead of being directed by their own values and goals) and, as a result, they feel out of control but continue to drift down stream; until one day, the sound of the raging water wakes them up and they realize they are 5 feet from the falls and they are in a boat with no ores, and then they say, “Oh shoot!” But it’s too late. They are going to take a fall: It may be a financial set-back or the break-up of a relationship, or maybe even a health problem. In almost all of the cases, the fall could have been prevented by making better decisions up-stream.”

This is possibly where Jane’s relationship was going: Going with the flow, drifting down the river until it had a major crash. As I refer back to the four key principles of relationships, I do not think anyone would disagree with me that these are essential for healthy relationships. The four keys or principles are:

1. Trust
2. Respect
3. Understanding
4. Commitment

We would probably all agree with these, but few ever take the time to make them part of their goals and mission. Look at the story above. Did the actions of the fiancé violate any of these values? All four, perhaps. Well, I can accept that it may not have directly affected the commitment or even the trust of the relationship, provided that he didn’t do something with the strippers that would have violated that, but his attitude and that of his friends was a direct violation of respect and understanding. I can only hope, for the sake of that couple’s relationship, that this experience caused them to sit down with each other to consider what values they would want to base their relationship on. Unfortunately, I do not think this was going to happen.

Most likely, from the flood of phone calls and the announcer’s point of view that there is no harm in the action, she was likely going to be influenced in a way that could weaken what values she was not very clear on. My only contention is that you understand these principles and check your own relationship and decide for yourself if you want to abide by them or not. Everything is your choice, I only ask that you consider and apply the application at the end of this chapter and see how your relationship responds.

Now, let’s look at these principles and understand how or why your relationship, if either is missing from a relationship or if you consciously or unconsciously violate them, will have constant battles and struggles or begin to deteriorate. If the relationship begins to deteriorate for too long, then it is doomed to fail, or at least take a major fall that could have and should have been prevented.

Principle #1: Trust

There are many ways that trust can be broken or violated in a relationship: Lying, stealing, cheating, and adultery are the obvious, but there are other and more subtle ways of breaking trust that can have the same impact.

Confidence

Sometimes we do the subtle things, like when someone confides in us: They feel there is a level of trust, so they share some of their feelings and struggles and then we go and tell someone else. This is devastating to the other person and breaks trust. This is one reason why lawyers and psychologists have ‘confidentiality agreements’: It’s the trust factor that, when violated, can do a lot of harm. The rule here is simple: Never tell anyone else about what someone has risked to talk to you about.

Belittling

Parents have to be especially careful about this when children try to talk to them about their problems. Don’t belittle their problems because, to them, those problems may be huge.

Competence

Trust also comes in the form of competence and character. If someone does not have the competence to do a job, then you likely won’t trust them. If you are admitted to the hospital and have to have surgery but you found out that the doctor who is going to perform the surgery has never done it before, then you are going to have low levels of trust.

Character

The competence factor is obvious, but a character issue is not. A violation of trust in a relationship demonstrates a weakness in character. Character is very hard to change: It takes tremendous effort, courage, honesty, and personal growth. When poor character violates trust in a relationship, it must be addressed if you expect to have any kind of decent relationship with others, and even yourself.

Commitment

Another thing we tend to often do is tell people what we are going to do. We say, “I am going to do this or I am going to do that,” but if we don’t, then they begin to loose trust in us. This is the “don’t cry wolf” scenario. Don’t bother telling people about all the things you are going to do, instead just show them by doing it, or if you must say something then say, “This is what I am thinking of doing. What do you think?” Then, we stand a good chance of gaining some valuable insight and build a little more rapport, rather than risk losing some trust.

When you say you are going to do something, then do it. We all understand the heartache of a child when the separated parent says he is going to pick them up on Saturday but doesn’t show. It violates the trust in that relationship. The rule is simple: Use the words “I would like to” and save the words “I will” for when you are committed and resolved to do so. Doing this will build more trust in yourself and with others.

Adultery

One of the most harmful violations of trust is adultery. Our dictionaries define adultery as: Voluntary sexual intercourse between a married person and someone other than his/her spouse. Adultery is devastating, and few relationships can survive when this happens.

Some preventive medicine and clarity of your values is the best to help avoid the possible violation or misuse of trust. Most people do not consciously seek to do something so wicked, it just tends to happen when people end up in a situation where they are tempted beyond what they can handle. Clear values – goals for strengthening your relationship – provide conscious accountability that help you make wise decisions and avoid any situations that could lead to this breaking of trust.

Averting vulnerability

Lois Mowday Rabey wrote an excellent book called The Snare. From a Christian perspective, she clearly lays out how weakness plays a big role. This is, when we are down or wounded, how we can easily fall into a trap, and recognizing our vulnerabilities can prevent many troubles. There is a positive and negative definition to the word ‘vulnerability’. Here, she mentions some precautions that are worthy of noting:²⁶

• Recognize that your judgment can be impaired if you are in a vulnerable situation. Be clear with yourself and define what a vulnerable situation is.

• Determine to live by your values, no matter how tough the situation gets.

• Look for rationalization in your thinking, don’t allow yourself to ration lies (rationalize).

• Enter into a relationship of accountability with a trusted friend.

• Being stressed out and over-worked can make you vulnerable. Eat healthy and get exercise.

• Do not even take a small step toward a relationship that may lead to a tricky situation.

• Be sure to have healthy well-balanced relationships in your life.

I would personally like to add a major point to this list: All too many problems stem from too much idle time. The well-known phrase, “an idle mind is the devil’s workshop,” is a truth that has lead more people into destructive behaviors with sex, drugs, and crime than you would possibly imagine.

Being idle breeds laziness, which makes you feel weak and vulnerable. It contributes to lower self-esteem, which makes you even more weak and vulnerable. One of the best things you can do to change this situation is to identify some goals to be consciously engaged in, keep clear on your values, and consistently act in the direction of your goals. I am not saying that you should try to keep up with Anthony Robbins, but keep yourself from laying around the house wondering what you should do with the day. Avoid the idleness and laziness.

Rebuilding trust

If you have violated trust in a relationship, there is a way to rebuild that trust. It starts with the same first principle of success and leadership, ‘responsibility’, and taking 100% of it. You have to remove all blame and excuses, accept the weakness and character flaw you have, and commit to moving forth from there. This is a commitment to yourself.

I highly recommend that you do not tell the other person what you are going to do anymore. Don’t make the mistake of explaining how you are going to change – he/she won’t believe you anyway, and shouldn’t. Simply write it out and start working on it. Even if they have thrown you out of the house, ask for nothing from them, and don’t bother to tell them that you are going to change, but show them. Never say, “I am going to do this or that,” but instead show them!

You start by doing the personal work of setting a goal to resolving your character issue and demonstrating to the other, not telling them. Actions always speak louder than words, and this statement has never been as true as in the case of broken trust. Once you have become totally humble (which is a quality all of us should strive for in our character and relationships), have taken full responsibility for yourself regardless of what other people do, and you have prepared a detailed plan of the actions you will need to take to correcting things (first at the source, which is you, and then making things right with the other), then you are well on your way to rebuilding the trust in the eyes of the other.

Here are some clear steps to follow:

1. Clearly define the problem in yourself, not in the other. You must be 100% honest and 100% responsible. If there is any such talk like “I can’t”, “Yeah, but…”, “But they …” then you are not taking full responsibility and will not make real, lasting progress.

2. Clearly define the goal which you desire to achieve. Define the goal based on what you want to change in yourself and hope that that will be enough for the other person. This can be two separate goals. One for your change and the other to restore the relationship.

3. Create a plan for achieving the goal. Write out all 6 steps that we teach in the Life Goals Planner, two of the six steps being absolutely critical: Step 1 is a clearly-defined goal, and step 2 is a detailed plan of action. (The Life Goals Planner has an excellent sample plan for being a great husband or father, which has some excellent application steps for you to consider.)

4. Get an accountability partner. Whether this be a counselor or a third party, who both of you respect and admire, and who can check you once and a while. This is most helpful for whom you are trying to build the trust with. Let them go to that person to see how you are doing instead of coming to you. This is critical for a trust issue. Always let a third party or your actions and results speak for you.

5. Measure your progress toward your goal and your plan of action on a regular basis to check whether you are on- or off-track.

6. Strengthen your decision- and commitment-making muscles. Be committed to resolving the character issue even if the relationship is never going to be resolved. This is important because you are almost certain to repeat the problem if you don’t deal with it now.

7. Get to work: Do not delay. Do something every day toward this goal. Remain humble and let time be the healer. Let the combined effort of all the little things in your plan add up to make the impact, and they will. Trust in yourself and believe that you will succeed, and soon others will trust and believe in you, too.

I promise you that you can rebuild your relationship stronger than ever before, but it is going to take permanent demonstrating to her/him, continued character development, and commitment to becoming the man or women who all can respect and admire. If you are not willing to do all of this, then you should accept the fact that you are not really serious and just walk away from the relationship. Accept the fact that the relationship is not as important to you as you might have thought or originally believed. This is the kind of effort that is going to be required, and it’s okay if you are not willing to put that out. Just be honest with yourself and let the relationship go.

You may not want to put that kind of effort out for that particular relationship, but I encourage you to put out similar effort for the development of your character because you cannot walk away from your relationship with yourself. Do not accept poor or weak character – do not settle for less than you can be. You have the capability to overcome anything that you desire, you just simply need to make that decision and in the process you will figure everything out that you need to become the kind of person you desire to become.

To add a quick tip for the other person who is looking to you as you work on building your character: Believe! Don’t be easily fooled by some smooth words or a few actions, but believe in the other person and look at them as they could be. I came across a quote that sums this thought up nicely: “Look at man the way he is and he only becomes worse; look at him for the way he could be and then he will become what he should be.” Become a man or women that is trustworthy in everything you do, from the little things that you say you are going to do to the commitments with your family and your business relationships.

Principle #2: Respect

Another key aspect of relationships that is most often overlooked, or just not thought through well enough, is respect: Respect for another human being that they are special in their own way. As the Christians say: All of us are created in the image of God, and he loves us all.

The fact is that we are all unique. There is not another person on this planet that has the same fingerprints as you, the exact same voice, eyes, or even the exact same blood as you. Nobody on this planet thinks the way you think. Because of your character, your experiences, and the way you perceive this world, you and everybody else has a perspective that is totally unique. Respect is often most difficult with the ones we love. This is because our expectations are higher and we are aware of their weaknesses and faults, which often stand out stronger in our mind than how special and unique they are.

Respect can make or break our relationships. I have seen more arguments, break-ups, and problems develop because of a lack of respect for someone else and their point of view. Don’t let this be the starting place for the arguments in your family and don’t let the lack of respect ruin your professional relationships. In selling, we are taught to treat every customer as if they were million-dollar customers. Treat everybody like they were million-dollar people, especially your loved ones: Treat them like they are priceless, because real love is. Gary Smalley – who is a recognized family psychologist, speaker, and author – tells us to have honor for our loved ones. He teaches you to be in awe when you’re in the room with your kids. It always embarrasses them but shows a tremendous respect.

One way we continuously show disrespect for another is by ‘yeah-butting’ them. You know when someone is talking and as soon as they are done, or even just before they are finished, you step in and say, “Yeah, but I….” This comment is a subtle destroyer. It shows that you are not really listening to that other person, or only enough so that you can counter-comment with something wiser. It demonstrates that you think what you have to say is more important than what the other does, that you have the right understanding but they don’t. This shows a total disrespect and ignorance of the value of another’s comment. “Seek first to understand before being understood.”

Pay attention when others are talking. Forget about who is right and who is wrong. Hear them out, pause after they have spoken, and ponder what they have said, not where you think they are wrong – even if they are – but where they are coming from. Continually ask, “What exactly do you mean by that?” Ask yourself, “Where or from what perspective is this thought or comment coming from?” This will help you build a much stronger and intimate relationship.

I love this definition I came across in the Hebrew language: ‘Intimacy’ is a deep mutual knowing of another for the purpose of caring involvement. Have respect for someone else’s ideas, thoughts, and comments. Don’t yeah-but people to death, especially children. Parents, please listen to your kids: Let them express themselves without making them feel like they don’t know anything. Teach them to have an opinion and that their opinion does matter. Recall some of Denis Waitley’s points of leadership with your children from Chapter Two:

• Do listen often without prejudgment.

• Don’t put them off when they ask questions or they will grow to seek information elsewhere.

• Do discover their unique qualities and develop them, encourage them to feel good about their unique one-of-a-kind talent.

• Don’t tell them their fears are silly: They are real to them.

• Do encourage them to express their own ideas.

• Don’t forget they can’t always explain themselves – their answers shouldn’t have to always satisfy you.

Respect is an attitude that can be learned and formed so that you become a person everyone likes to be around.

1. If you respect others, then they will respect you.

2. Eliminate the words ‘yeah-but’ from your vocabulary, completely. Believe me, you will never miss them.

3. Pay attention when people talk, if it is a one-on-one conversation, then lean a little forward, which helps you be more attentive.

4. Value others comments and don’t get caught up if they are right or wrong.

5. Finding the right words to express ourselves is often difficult. Let people finish what they are saying and pause with some reflection before you comment, and seek first to understand before being understood.

6. Be considerate, caring, and respectful.

Principle #3: Understanding

We can easily see how the last principle ties into this one. Seeking to understand shows respect and respecting helps us to understand. To some degree, men are from Mars and women are from Venus.²⁷

It is true that we are wired very differently, but we are not from different planets. Though we are extremely complex, we are actually very easy creatures to understand and also very predictable. We mostly have the same basic needs for love and affection, to be valued, to make a difference in this world, and to make a contribution. We are creatures of habit and don’t change very much. We are the way we are and we must come to terms with that: Our character or personality doesn’t change.

This book is really all about change, about growing in awareness and understanding so that we can evolve into ever more conscious and caring beings, but certain things about us will never change.

We all have dominant characteristics that can place us in certain categories. My Zodiac sign is Sagittarius. My Chinese animal is the Tiger. I am an analytical driver on any typical personality profiling test. I have an INTJ score in the Myers Briggs personality typing. These characteristic don’t change. It’s the way we are wired and something we need to understand about ourselves and about those closest to us. What are you? What are your children, your spouse, boyfriend, or lover? Plato said, “The unexamined life is not worth living,” and to a large extent this quote is so very true.

Even a little bit of understanding of how we are wired can help us to be so much more understanding in our relationships and prevent so many unnecessary arguments and problems. Part of the process of growing in understanding may be to go through many of these personality profile tests. Another very valuable process is identifying our natural gifts and skills. It was quite a leap in my own understanding of myself that my greatest strengths are also my greatest weaknesses. Because I am a driver, I often get frustrated when people do not accept or buy into my vision. This is an area I have to keep a close check on as I continue to take on more leadership roles in business and the community. I also found it revealing to understand more about my sensitivity and that what I used to think of as a weakness I now see as a strength, thanks to David K. Reynolds:

“Overly-sensitive people don’t often see the positive side of their character. We see the obsession but not the ability to persist. We see the sensitivity to pain but not the ability to be sensitive to others. We see our need for empathy but not our ability to empathize. We see our strong fear of failure but not our ability to succeed. We see our cautious hesitancy to act, but not our imaginative foresight. For each neurotic problem area there is a corresponding positive desire and ability.”²⁸

All of this helps raise our level of awareness of who we are, which contributes to our understanding, but the biggest of all may be just paying attention: Really listening and caring for the other. People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care. Strive to understand and appreciate the unique differences, the personalities, and styles of other people.

When someone else is talking and trying to express themselves, just pay attention. Remember that words are sometimes hard to come by. Most of us have difficulty expressing what is really going on in our heads and hearts. So give people a chance. Often, we need to say things two or three times before it starts coming out like we really want it to. Continually ask questions as suggested in the previous principle. Whenever you find yourself thinking, “That’s a bunch of B.S.” or, “This person doesn’t know what they are talking about,” then stop that and start asking questions that drive deeper understanding.

I would like to conclude this principle with a supposedly true story told by Chuck Swindoll a few years ago. Chuck had a close friend who knew a young attorney in Texas of a sizable law firm. He worked for a traditional kind of boss who had a thing for Thanksgiving. Every year, the boss would go through a sort of ritual:

At a large walnut table he would place a series of turkeys for each member of the law firm. This was not just a simple pick-a-turkey-if-you-want-one, but a formal setting where your turkey would be placed in front of you; and when the time came for you to receive yours, you would step up to the turkey and express how grateful you were to work for the firm and acknowledge the gift of turkey and the special holiday of Thanksgiving.

Now, the problem was this attorney was single and had no use for a large turkey. First, he didn’t know how to fix it and second, even if he did cook it, what would he do with all the meat? However, because it was expected, he took the turkeys every year. What he didn’t know is that one year his close friends stole his turkey and in its place put a paper mache turkey, and weighed it down with lead to make it feel like a real one. They put a real neck and tail on it so that it looked just like the real thing, but it was really a bogus bird through and through.

When his turn came, he stepped up and picked up the bird and announced how grateful he was to be with the firm and to receive the turkey on the memorable day of Thanksgiving. Later that day, he got on the bus for home and sat down with the turkey on his lap, wondering what in the world he would do with it. Later down the route, a man got on the bus looking a little worn down and discouraged, and so happened to sit down on the vacant seat next to the attorney. They struck up a conversation talking about Thanksgiving and, by-and-by, the attorney learned that this stranger was out job-hunting but having no luck. The stranger had a large family and was wondering what he would do for Thanksgiving, which was the next day.

The attorney had the idea that this was his day to do a good deed and would give the man his turkey. Then, he had a second thought that this man was not a free-loader, he was not a bum, and it would probably break his pride to give the man the turkey, so he decided he would sell it to him. “How much money do you have?” the attorney asked. The man responded, “I have a couple of dollars and a few cents.” “I would like to sell you this turkey,” and he placed it in his lap and said, “sold,” and proceeded to take the man’s last couple of dollars. The man was moved to tears and thrilled to death that his family would have Thanksgiving at home with a turkey. He got off the bus and waved to the attorney with kind words such as “God bless you” and “have a wonderful Thanksgiving,” and “I will remember you forever.” The bus then drove off.

The stranger got home and announced to the family, “You will never believe the nice man I met today!” He set the turkey down on the table and begun to unwrap it only to find a paper bird weighed down with lead. The next day at the office, the attorney came in and his friends were dying to know about the turkey. You can imagine the look on their faces when they heard the nice story of the stranger on the bus.

Chuck tells us that from what he understands, the attorney and his friends searched the bus lines for the next week for that man who, as far as he knew, still entertains a misunderstanding about a guy who sold him a fake turkey for $2.00.

We never know where people are coming from, what kind of past they have had, what experiences have shaped the way they are, and how they see things. When we see or hear about someone who we want to judge and say negatives things about, take a second to step back and think of a best-case scenario instead of the worst-case scenario about them. Dig deep and try to understand what they are made of. Seek first to understand before being understood, and watch your relationships flourish.

“Lord, grant that I may not seek so much to be understood as to understand.” – Saint Francis of Assisi

Principle #4: Commitment

Commitment is really the glue that holds everything together. It is the trust, respect, and seeking to understand that makes a relationship run smoothly and prosperously, and it is the commitment to these things that makes it solid.

I think we live in a society of weak commitments: We seem to be taking less responsibility as we want to lean on others or the government to solve our problems. Relationships are truly the best test of our commitments, especially marriage. It is common to hear the stories of long-term relationships in which the commitment they once had for one another was key to their success. Take the following story, for example:

“Here we stand, arm-in-arm, in our oldest child’s backyard on a beautiful summer evening, surrounded by friends and family. Candles are twinkling, tables are piled high with food, and big band music is playing out of speakers on the patio. It is our 40^th wedding anniversary party, and as our daughter toasts our love and our commitment to each other and everyone raises their glasses above their heads, I catch the sight of a tear glimmering in the corner of my wife’s eye.

“We didn’t make it this far because it was easy. We made it through 40 years of marriage because we vowed that we would. We were committed even when it didn’t feel like we were, and that meant never backing out, even when it was hard, or uncomfortable, or painful. We learned to compromise and discovered that difficult situations can make you stronger and more patient. Staying committed to your goals and dreams doesn’t guarantee you’ll have an easy road, but you’ll be working toward something important with every step you take in that direction. Tonight, the smile on my wife’s face is all I need to tell me it has been worth it.”

I like this story because it’s true, for one thing, but also because the couple mention the commitment to their goals. I believe that commitment to your goals and dreams is as equally important as your commitment to your vows. We all know of long-standing marriages in which neither husband or wife is very happy, and what passes between them has generated into almost total ritual. They do the same things to each other, hold the same opinions about each other, and issue the same complaints. Neither one is willing to grow because both have too much invested in making sure the other never changes. Change and growth is crucial to have happy, rich, and nurturing relationships.

Another huge mistake people make is trying to change the other person. This is a major rejection in life. It’s like saying you are not good enough the way you are and that you should be more like the way I want you to be. It just won’t work. As mentioned above, people don’t change and this will only cause stress and strain for absolutely no gain. The key is to focus on your growth together, in taking relationship courses together, in reading books, and discussing points and applications together.

It is very important to understand that change is a source of disruption and challenge, and that’s where commitment and understanding is going to have to come in. You have got to be aware and understanding of the fact that when one person grows, everything in a relationship changes. As Scott Peck talks about in A World Waiting to be Born where he describes ‘system theory’: He explains that just as every cell is part of an organ which is part of a body, that same body is part of our eco-system, and so on. So it is that our relationships are interconnected organisms and when one part changes, the whole system changes and needs to be adjusted. Otherwise, the system breaks down.

This is precisely where commitment and understanding are required because it’s often hard to identify what’s going on. All we know is that things have changed and it is forcing us to adapt. This is change you have to embrace and not resist. Someone once said, “Individuals do not resist change, they resist being changed.” Do not resist, instead stay committed to your relationship and your goals and dreams, and you can write your own story at your 40^th anniversary.

“I believe life is constantly testing us for our level of commitment, and life’s greatest rewards are reserved for those who demonstrate a never-ending commitment to act until they achieve. This level of resolve can move mountains, but it must be constant and consistent. As simplistic as this may sound, it is still the common denominator separating those who live their dreams from those who live in regret.” – Anthony Robbins

Bringing the four principles together

There you have it. The four key principles of any relationship: T.R.U.C. We can also see how they tie in to each other, as well: Trust is directly tied to commitment, as respect is to understanding. They are principles that apply to all of our relationships: Friends, lovers, children, or our business and professional relationships.

Bring them all together and you have the definition of ‘love’. Have you ever taken the time to define love? What does love mean to you? Why don’t you take a minute and write out your definition and see if it has these four principles. See, on paper, what it looks like and ask your spouse and children to write a definition, too. Then, compare.

One of my favorite definitions comes from the Bible. The New International Version says:

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”²⁹

It’s short, but sweet, and contains all of the principles while providing a framework to build your relationships upon.

The key is to not violate any of the principles you write in your definition. Do not just take the above definition, but write your own and refine it over the weeks, months, and years. Check yourself when you are having any kind of a problem in your relationship, even a little argument, that you know is not healthy and pull out your definition and ask yourself, “Am I violating my own definition? Am I violating any of the four principles?” It doesn’t have to stop the argument, for sometimes arguments can be healthy in helping to talk out your thoughts and feelings with emotion, even strong emotion, but you must not violate these principles.

Advice to parents

I write these words with tremendous passion and heart-felt need to communicate this point to the mothers and fathers of the world. I am not writing this as a father, but as a son expressing some of the great struggles he went through in his heart and mind growing up due to a simple lack of communication. I am directing this thought to fathers but feel it equally applies to mothers.

This simple lack of communication I am talking about is the inability to express ones feelings. I am not talking about venting ones anger, but the ability to share with your children your weaknesses. I believe that a man shows strength when he can express his fears, when he can sit down and tell his sons and daughters that he is scared to do something. I believe it is where teaching honesty starts: It starts with our feelings about who we are and the fears and insecurities we all have. I believe a lack of this kind of communication is a sign of a weak man, or at least a man who has not grown and probably was not given the same by his own father.

I believe that every parent should learn, grow, and find the words to be able to express all emotions, that of love, courage, strength, and equally important, those of fear, weakness, and insecurity. A crying man feeling sorry for himself is pitiful, but a man who can express the natural, normal emotions with tears demonstrates courage and strength. It has been proven over and over that the best way to raise secure children who can go forth in this sometimes cruel cold world is to verbally express your love for them day in and day out.

The next huge point is to be able to say that you made a mistake. To be able to ask for forgiveness for getting angry or saying something you didn’t really mean to say. There is nothing wrong with having a weakness or making a mistake, we all have them and we all make them, the only problem that develops is when we can’t admit them, make the corrections, and move forward. Your inability to express your emotions and admit your mistakes is one of the major contributors to raising insecure children.

Insecurity will rob you of life and it will rob your children of a future. You cannot go through life timid and insecure or you will miss the opportunities to experience the greatest joys of relationships and the wonderful feelings that can be expressed and embraced to give your life color, meaning, and purpose. Insecurity will rob your future by making you afraid to step out and risk making a mistake or failing, holding you back from ever trying anything that can bring great rewards.

Insecurity does not come from growing up without material things, a nice house or clothes. It comes from not knowing you are loved and the inability to deal with your emotions. Parents, I can’t tell strongly enough how important it is to develop emotionally and grow to be able to share those feelings, those thoughts and struggles with your children. Parents, you have got to be good at expressing your feelings and back them up with actions, because this can make the biggest difference to your children’s future.

Advice to couples

I’d like to articulate my observation of couples who are having a difficult time making their relationships work, those that are on the verge of break up or divorce. In all cases, it is their lack of clarity of what they want in their relationship that prevents them from making progress. Over and over, people allow their emotions and feelings to take them on a journey that leads them nowhere. During this undirected journey, all of their baggage, insecurities, emotional wounds, negative feelings, and negative experiences surface and cause conflict that prevents quality relating. Over and over, they bring up past issues that will never help them go forward. It’s the relationship killer of looking into the rear-view mirror when trying to go forward.

This is an interesting analogy because it demonstrates much of the dynamics in a relationship and explains why they don’t make progress. Try driving your car sometimes like that: Get on an open stretch of road with nobody on it and try driving forward but while only looking in the rear-view mirror. It’s kind of exciting and you can actually move forward: On a good straight-away, you can even pick up some speed, maybe 20 or 30 miles-per-hour, but as soon as you come to some obstacles or a turn in the road, you are going to veer off-road and crash. It is guaranteed to happen because you cannot see, deal with, or avoid what’s coming up or what’s right in front of you. The deception is that the road continues to look straight through the mirror, the rocks and hills have gone by and you think that you’re heading the right way, but the truth is you’re not. You’re heading for disaster – maybe a cliff – but you’re just cruising right along.

This is as true in life as it is in relationships. Nothing is straight-forward: There will always be bumps and curves, rocks and hills, narrow bridges, steep cliffs, and oncoming traffic, all of which will require our attention. All of those obstacles are the insecurities, fears, dysfunctions, and emotional wounds that have not been healed.

Advice on therapy

Sometimes, therapy can be valuable, but I think that most people waste way too much time, money, and the skills and education of a therapist because they are not clear on what they want. The best pre-therapy, by far, is to get absolutely clear on what you would like your relationship to be: Set some goals, identify the obstacles, make some plans, and get to work.

You will find quite quickly that when you are clear on your values and relationship goals, that 90% of the obstacles will disappear, and those few that remain will become very small when your goals, trust, respect, understanding, and commitment are there. Then, and only then, if you cannot get passed certain issues in your plan toward your goal, seek the advice of a counselor. Then, the therapist has something to work with and you will get the best bang for your buck. You will be an informed consumer, and both of you will have something tangible to work with. My advice is to stay away from therapists who start by digging up junk from the past in order to go forward. Start with your goal and don’t stop on that journey until you are blocked or when something is beyond your understanding. Remember that you only see the obstacles when you take your eye off the goal.

Chapter 3 Applications

1. Definition of Love

Write out a clear definition of ‘love’. Make it a family project for you and your loved ones.

1. Each of you come up with a definition and then discuss it together.

2. Combine the definition so that you have one clear definition that everybody agrees with.

I suggest two things: 1) Type it on a computer, change the font, add some color, put a border around it, and frame it as a wall plaque; 2) write it on the back of a business card or, better yet, write it on the back of a picture of your family or loved one, then laminate it and keep it in your wallet.

Whenever you are having struggles in your relationship, pull it out and read it once or twice. Do this until you have it memorized and can unconsciously apply it for any and all of your relationships.

2. T.R.U.C.

This simple acronym binds together the four key principles from this chapter:

• Trust
• Respect
• Understanding
• Commitment

Apply the T.R.U.C. principles of relationships. Whenever relationship struggles emerges, when you get frustrated with your kids or loved ones, silently ask yourself:

• Am I violating any of these four principles?
• Identify which one you feel you are violating and then apologize to your loved one.

Say, “[Loved one], I am sorry for not [understanding, respecting, trusting, committing to] you. Forgive me, please.”

“Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value.”

– Albert Einstein