Chapter 4: Personal Development is Responsibility

“Man must cease attributing his problems to his environment, and learn again to exercise his will, his personal responsibility.”

– Albert Schweitzer

In the block-buster movie, Spiderman, the uncle of Peter Parker was noticing that he was going through some changes, and not knowing he was changing into Spiderman, he tried to advise him. The uncle told Peter he would do great things and that he wanted him to remember that “with great power comes great responsibility.” These are excellent words to consider and quite similar to “with every freedom comes great responsibility.”

Being response-able

Responsibility is the personal characteristic for the 21^st Century. It is what we desire of our big corporations, whose manufacturing and production of products and materials is contributing to the destruction of our planet. It is what we desire of our governments and political leaders to guide our countries into the right direction. It is what we desire of our parents and children so that we may live in a home free from worry and uncertainty. If it is what we desire of everyone else, then it must be what we should strive for in ourselves.

Responsibility is the mark of a mature person, the outstanding executive, the high-performing athlete, and the highly effective parent or perfect child. Brian Tracy – who claims to have studied over 3,300 books, articles, and papers on leadership – concludes that responsibility is the ultimate key to peak performance or success at any level. It is when you take 100% responsibility that you begin to make true progress in life.

You cannot make progress and grow as long as you have something else to blame, an excuse for why you are where you are and for who you are. I know the courts are full of cases of people getting off charges because the courts have concluded that they are not responsible. There is the regular occurrence of people who go into bars, get drunk, drive home, crash, and kill someone yet sue the bar, beer manufacturer, or auto maker and win because of someone else’s responsibility.

The law offices around the world are full of cases that contain “exceptions” which shift the responsibility. Right or wrong, you are who you are and where you are because of the decisions you have made, and if you want things to become different in the future then you need to take 100% responsibility. The good news is, if there is any area of your life you are not satisfied with, all you have to do is make different decisions; but first, you must take full responsibility. Your decisions are the one thing you have total control over. You cannot control your emotions: They emerge from things that happen and all you can control is your response. That is being response-able.

Courage

Responsibility is not as easy as one might think. It may be simple and might start with the simple act of saying, “From now on, I accept 100% responsibility,” but living it out is another story. It may take a tremendous amount of courage. It will take effort on your part and it will take more personal growth and development to maintain and stay the course.

It is simply not easy, which is why your personal development will be the issue. We must grow and mature in character so that we have the confidence, awareness, and courage to start making new decisions and being more responsible individuals. When all your friends are going a direction you feel is not right, it takes tremendous courage and character to go the other way. Sir Winston Churchill said, “Courage is rightly considered the foremost of the virtues for upon it all others depend.”

I fully agree and hope that this book may be a contribution your courage. I believe the more we develop ourselves, as I have defined in the beginning, the more courageous and responsible we all will become. One thing is for sure: The more responsibility you accept, the more you will like yourself and respect yourself; and the more you respect yourself, the better decisions you will make and the more you will grow in responsibility and courage, in turn. Make a decision today to be 100% responsible in every area of your life.

Excuses

Do not blame and come up with excuses for anything. Sure, there may be legitimate excuses once in a while, but so what? Excuses limit your abilities much more than you might think. They play with your mind and weaken your ability to respond and be responsible. I remember two incidents that proved this point to myself and which made an incredible difference in how I dealt with the situation. At a very difficult time in my life, possibly a midlife crisis, I recall being convinced that I had clinical depression, or at least a pastor in our church was teaching on this from her experience and I seemed to have all the symptoms.

I pondered how she had dealt with it, accepted the diagnosis, and proceeded to get on the medication and go through all the therapy. She highly recommended that I see a doctor. I acknowledged her concern, my symptoms, and said, “If I accept this diagnosis, it will give me an excuse not to become what I desire.” So, I took full responsibility and would not accept the excuse and proceeded toward my goals and never looked back.

The same thing happened a few years later when I started complaining about my ability to focus. It’s funny how that works: When you start complaining, you begin to meet all kinds of people that will support your complaints. I met people who had been diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). Again, I had all the symptoms. My mother believed my father had it, my brother had it, and I am certain that if I continued complaining, I would have it, too. Like towards the attitude I took towards depression, I said, “So what?” I was certainly not going to take Ritalin and so decided I would not accept ADD as an excuse. I could not see what good it would do to even begin to pursue whether or not they could diagnose me with this problem. I simply faced the fact that it may take a little more effort on my part to remain focused on activities.

I had found another huge benefit of having clear goals and plans: It is the starting place for focus and concentration. I am sure that most people could get off Ritalin if they clearly identified their goals and focused on them instead of their excuse.

The Advice

Drop your excuses and just say to yourself, “This or that excuse is nice, but I am responsible,” and then decide what you are going to do about it. I love the advice Brian Tracy gives. He says in his Maximum Achievement program that he was once given ‘The Advice’ and now gives it to everyone that goes through his course. Here is The Advice:

When people come up to you and whine and complain, when they start talking with ‘victim talk’ that expresses their helplessness and powerlessness, when they begin to rehash old issues that you know drags them down, then stop them and simply say, “That’s nice and you are responsible, now what are you going to do about it?” It is the advice we need to say to ourselves every time we catch ourselves blaming and complaining.

It takes a lot of effort to be responsible, whereas it does not take effort not to be. Health is an excellent example of effort verses ‘the easy way’. We live in a time where medicine has never been better, doctors have never been better, knowledge about health and equipment is easier to access, gyms are open 24 hours a day, and information is free or readily accessible, yet more people are sick and unhealthy than ever before.

Nobody can do it for you

The report, The Surgeon General’s Call to Action to Prevent and Decrease Overweight and Obesity, states: “Being overweight and obesity are among the most pressing new health challenges we face today.” HHS Secretary Tommy G. Thompson said:

“Our modern environment has allowed these conditions to increase at alarming rates and become a growing health problem for our nation. By confronting these conditions, we have tremendous opportunities to prevent the unnecessary disease and disability they portend for our future. Being overweight and obesity may soon cause as much preventable disease and death as cigarette smoking.”

Approximately 300,000 U.S. deaths per year are currently associated with obesity and being overweight (compared to more than 400,000 deaths per year associated with cigarette smoking). The total direct and indirect costs attributed to being overweight and obesity amounted to $117 billion in the year 2000. In 1999, an estimated 61 percent of U.S. adults were overweight, along with 13 percent of children and adolescents.

Obesity among adults has doubled since 1980, while three-times as many adolescents are now overweight. Only 3 percent of all Americans meet at least four of the five federal Food Guide Pyramid recommendations for the intake of grains, fruits, vegetables, dairy products, and meats; and less than one-third of Americans meet the federal recommendations to engage in at least 30 minutes of moderate physical activity at least five days a week, while 40 percent of adults engage in no leisure-time physical activity at all.³⁰

Health care costs our governments billions of dollars per year, and most of the health problems come from individuals’ bad habits that they actually have full control over. If you want good health and to be free from disease, you must be responsible for your diet and exercise. It’s going to take effort on your part to get off the couch and walk, ride, swim, work out, and eat right.

I don’t know of anyone who wouldn’t like to be free of all illness and disease, to have lots of energy and to be in great shape, but I do know of very few that are willing to develop the discipline and gather the knowledge that will give them the power to do these things in order to have this health freedom.

Become a personal leader

The reason is that the people who comprise the above statistics are just plain lazy. I don’t doubt that many are, but I am sure that most of the problem stems from ignorance, which personal development is the answer to. We have to grow beyond our present understanding and awareness. Ignorance is not bliss. Ignorance is poverty, ignorance is disease, and ignorance can rob you of life and responsibility. Take control of your outcomes and become a personal leader.

Do not get caught up in the attitudes of blame, complaint, and the negativity of society. People love to complain and blame, and all too often society leads us to accepting these kinds of attitudes. I have found with the dozens of men and women that I have worked with, that those who had lower levels of personal awareness were more easily shaped by the media, culture, friends, society, and their feelings to the point where they seemed out of control of who they had become, falling prey to indecision and a lack of responsibility. Society puts all kinds of pressure on you to conform. Steven Covey said in Principle Centered Leadership, “Beware of being drawn into the culture traps that values personal freedom and independence rather than responsibility and interdependence.” People are indirectly lead to believe in freedom without being made aware of the incredible costs. With every freedom comes incredible responsibility.

If you want to be financially free, then you must be responsible with your money. “Take care of the pennies and the dollars will take care of themselves” is a popular saying. If you want a happy family, then you must take responsibility for that outcome and make the necessary changes so that you get that result. If we want a healthy organization, then the leaders must be responsible with what they have been entrusted with. And if we want to live in a healthy country, then we all must take responsibility to play our part as concerned citizens and personal leaders, not blaming and complaining, but men and women of action and maturity.

The price of freedom: Responsibility

Sometimes, the systems we are a part of seem so complex and large that no matter what we do, nothing seems to make a difference. Nevertheless, everything does count and everything you do does make a difference. Just as a drop of water ripples out across the entire pond, so your attitude and actions go a long way. It has been said that for evil to triumph in our society, all we need is for good men and women to do nothing. I do not think that most are aware of the real costs of the freedoms we seek. We want to be free individuals, able to express ourselves without the consideration of how our thinking affects other people.

This is an area where freedom goes to a whole new level of responsibility. It seems these days there are many groups that are more concerned about their individual rights than doing the right thing. They lack moral responsibility, as defined by Webster’s dictionary: Lacking a sense of right and wrong – lacking moral responsibility. It is one thing to be irresponsible with yourself, but the fact is that you always affect someone else and so it is part of your moral responsibility to consider others: Do not act without thinking through your responsibilities. Think through all those who you will affect and be sure you understand the depths of your personal freedoms. Originally published in 1948, an article titled We hold to these Truths concludes with these words:

“Your rights are inviolable, and so are mine. Your individual rights are limited as soon as they cross my rights. Every person must recognize that personal rights are restricted by the rights of others.”

This is the essence of individual freedom. Understanding all of this, I can see why many want to ‘escape from freedom’ as suggested by Erich Fromm, in his book bearing that exact title, in which he says:

“Can freedom become a burden too heavy for man to bear, something he tries to escape from? Is there not also, perhaps, besides an innate desire for freedom, an instinctive wish for submission?”³¹

The more freedom you want, the more responsible you must become and the more responsible you must act. It is our actions that prove what we believe, as Dr. Laura comments over and over as the moral voice on North American radio air waves: “Morals don’t have anything to do with feelings, but with actions.” As I commented earlier, which she affirms: Nobody can control their feelings, only control their response to those feelings, and that is your moral responsibility.

Viktor Frankl introduced the term ‘existential analysis’, which interprets human existence as responsibility being the essence of existence, or put in more simple terms, that human beings be response-able. I love Frankl’s inversion of the question, “What is the meaning of life?” He contended that it is not man who asks the question, but life itself that asks us and we who have to answer. Man has to respond by being responsible.³²

Actions are louder than words

It does not matter what you say you are like, or what you wish you would be like, it is only what you do that dictates what you believe: Your actions do speak louder than your words. This is why I recommended in the previous chapter, when explaining how to rebuild trust in a relationship, that you do not tell your partner what you are going to do, but instead show them. Let your actions demonstrate how you are changing. We also know that our actions will in turn shape our beliefs. We know that you can act your way into good morals, love, and almost any state of being. We know that a physical action triggers emotions and chemicals that can induce a mental state.

Anthony Robbins is a master at teaching this kind of response with the strategy known as Nero Linguistic Programming (NLP). We often teach those who lack motivation that you don’t wait until you’re motivated and then go do the actions, but that you do the actions and then you will be motivated. Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “Do the thing and you will have the power.” These methods and strategies are all great and I often use them for specific results like working out. Often, I don’t feel like exercising but I know that as soon as I am 5 to 10 minutes into my work out routine, I will have the full motivation and energy I thought I needed to begin with. Another method is to change the way you think, which will in turn change your actions.

Change your beliefs and that will change your attitude, which in turn will change your actions and give you different results. I believe this to be the meaning of the often-quoted biblical phrase, “be transformed by the renewing of the mind.”³³ This is the ultimate process which I call ‘personal development’, lasting permanent change that comes from a heightened sense of awareness and knowledge. Many are not even aware that they have some barrier to accepting 100% responsibility: Their excuses are strong and hold them back, making personal development the issue. It is the great challenge for human beings to fully exercise their free will to make right choices: The ability to choose, the ability to change regardless of how our past was and how much conditioning we have gone through, all to become who we are now. This is what makes us unique and different from every other living thing.

You can choose to be anything you want. Your genetic code will force you to physically be a certain way, but the way you think, the attitude you have, and ultimately the values you live by and the things you acquire will all come from your choices. If you will take 100% responsibility for those choices, then you can literally become anything you decide to be. You can be as moral as you choose, as rich as you want, as healthy as you desire, as funny, as skilled, and anything that is learned, designed, invented, imagined, and created: All are not beyond your capability.

The biblical phrase, “The truth will set you free,” must be taken in context: The whole verse actually goes: To the Jews who had believed him, Jesus said, “If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”³⁴ This implies that you have to take responsibility, learn what he teaches, act accordingly, and then you will experience the truth that sets you free. Remember the story about the man who took a rock pile, and in a couple years, turned it into a beautiful garden:

A few years later, one man toured the garden and thought it was fabulous, but he wanted to make sure the gardener didn’t take all the credit. So, when he had a chance to meet him after the tour, he shook his hand and said, “Mister, you and the good Lord, together, have a beautiful garden here.” The gardener replied, “I understand your point, sir: If it wasn’t for the seed and soil, the miracle of the seasons, the sunshine and the rain, then there certainly wouldn’t be any garden here. But,” he continued, “you should have seen this place a few years ago when God had it all to himself.”

Sooner or later, each individual has to come to terms with the fact that they are responsible. Jesus, Buddha, or Allah won’t make that decision for you. We cannot blame the past, society, parents, or the weather, regardless of the impact they have all had. Now is the best time to be responsible and make new decisions.

Chapter 4 Applications

1. Decide that you are 100% responsible.

Just consciously choose to be 100% response-able for everything going on in your life:

1. Whenever you catch yourself giving excuses for something, then quickly rephrase by saying, “That was my excuse, now I am going too…”

2. When you find yourself blaming someone or something, then immediately stop and say nothing or, “That may have been the case, but I am going to…”

3. Catch yourself saying “yeah, but…” and remember that that usually leads to an excuse or, worse, it shows disrespect for the other person. (refer to Chapter 3 on Relationship Success)

Ask your family and loved ones to give you The Advice when they hear you complaining, blaming, and giving excuses for what’s not working right. Be kind and wise to know the difference between expressing one’s feelings, emotions, and unhealthy complaining and blaming. When people complain, whine, and talk ‘victim talk’, give them The Advice. Nicely say, “That’s nice, and you are responsible. Now what are you going to do about it?”

2. Consider an accountability partner or mentor

An accountability partner is a supporter, not a nag. Webster’s New Illustrated Dictionary’s definition of ‘accountability’ is:

1. Liable to be called to account; responsible

2. Capable of being accounted for or explained

Being accountable takes a tremendous amount of character, courage, and honesty. It is not an easy thing to do (being accountable) or ask for (accountability). As Webster’s defines, accountability has to do with responsibility, and 100% of it. It also has to do with an account, meaning the facts and figures, not excuses and stories. It also has to do with trust and respect.

An accountability partner is someone with whom you can confide your struggles, weaknesses, and insecurities in. You must respect and choose this person wisely. First and foremost, an accountability partner is a friend, not a mother or a nag, and certainly not someone who is going to feel sorry for you and join in any pity parties. He or she is not someone with whom you share all your excuses with, about why you didn’t do what you said you were going to do. They are not someone you dump on or who will necessarily give you any advice – that’s a counselor.

He or she is someone you can be serious with, someone you can trust not to tell others about the things you discuss or the goals you have. They are someone who you have given the right to ask you how you are doing in relation to the goals you are trying to achieve or the struggles you are trying to overcome. You are ask accountability for straight and honest answers. If you cannot be straight and honest, then you are not willing to be accountable, yet.

3) Questions to contemplate

Here are questions I may ask and expect straight answers to, not excuses or beating-around-the-bush:

1. What exactly are your goals? Can you show me them in print or in tangible plans?

2. What exactly are you doing to achieve them, and can you demonstrate that? Can you show me books read, classes took, money spent, connections made, commitments and decisions made, etc.?

3. How do you spent your time? Show me your days or last week’s schedule on exactly how you used your time.

4. Why do you have this goal? Why do you think this is valuable to do? Why are you doing this?

5. Who do you model and what do you know about them?

“The price of greatness is responsibility.”

– Sir Winston Churchill